i don’t know how to say it better than this: so far, life has felt like waiting. don’t ask me what for - no one has told me. it’s like one day, someone asked me to sit in a waiting room, and i did, but no door ever opened, there was no white smoke from a tower, no lit up numbers, no pulled apart curtains. i don’t want you to worry for me: it’s nice here, i made it home - brought in carnations, painted everything red, ran from wall to wall until i felt dizzy. i sit with my heart in my hands and try to listen for something, anything, that doesn’t come from it.
“i love you. i want us both to eat well” and also, “let me love what i cannot see” and also “you can fuck anyone but with whom can you sit in water?”
and
also “losing through you what seemed myself, i find selves unimaginably mine”
and
also “love is this: two solitudes that protect and touch and greet each other”
and
also “I wanted us to be entirely alone on this earth, entirely alone under the sky”
and
also “blow all my friendships just to sit in hell with you”
and
also“when i love i become liquid light”
and
also “won’t you come into the garden? i would like my roses to see you”
and
also “i deliver myselfover to the unknown, in coming to you, i am without reserves or defences, stripped entirely, into the unknown”
and
also “i slithered here from eden just to be outside your door”
and
also “i loved her to the point of invention”
and
also “you rain on me and i like the earth receive you”
and
also “let’s plunge into the deep again my love” and also, always–“everyone can forget us–as long as you remember”
Donna Tartt will write “in short, I felt my existence was tainted, in some subtle but essential way”, and what do you do with that? She’ll write “forgive me, for all the things I did but mostly for the ones I did not” and what the FUCK do you do with that? I think the only option is going absolutely wild
“Why wasn’t friendship as good as a relationship? Why wasn’t it even better? It was two people who remained together, day after day, bound not by sex or physical attraction or money or children or property, but only by the shared agreement to keep going, the mutual dedication to a union that could never be codified.”
“In my dream I apologize to everyone I meet. Instead of introducing myself, I apologize for not knowing why I am alive. I am sorry. I am sorry. I apologize. In real life, oddly enough, when I am fully awake and out and about, if I catch someone’s eye, I quickly look away. Perhaps this too is a form of apology.”
